It’s been a tough time for me lately. Circumstance stacked upon circumstance has left me buried under what has seemed like an insurmountable mass of “to do’s” for so long that I can see no way out. Which is probably perfect. Because I tend to be a doer, to a fault. And it seems that a big part of what I’m working on in this life of mine is to “just be” rather than “just do”. I’ve approached this challenge from many angles over the years with a fairly standard repeating result. Keeping with the, now two year, trend of embracing the opportunities provided by my new role as a mother, it seems that I’ve experienced a glimmer of an insight into my nearly lifelong pattern of over-extension. Which is not to say that I’m reformed, but perhaps I’ve caught a glimpse of another way. A better way…

I’ve already stated the “problem” but it bears a bit more clarification, I think. I do a lot. And I think of things to do, a lot. I don’t actually think that that is the real problem though. It is the outward expression of the problem, for certain. But I think that I will probably always be a pretty productive person, if for no fact other than it is a habit bolstered by years of practice. Furthermore, if I simply stopped being productive, I would go a bit crazy, again on account of the habit I’ve formed. No, the problem is a matter of perspective. It’s a matter of how my mind works. It has to do with the stasis from which I act. So the real question is where am I in relation to my base stasis. If I’m out of line, then I will inevitably act from a place of anxiety which tends to be displayed by reactivity and stress. Conversely, if I’m in line, I will act from a place of calm which tends to be displayed by authenticity and caring response. Clearly the idea is to spend most of my time in my base stasis.

The cool thing that happened today (as I was walking along the avenue near our home munching on a bit of chocolate) is that I realized my mind is pretty darn clear. I’ve been completely wiped out for a week now due to the return of my menstrual cycle. The sad truth is that having a full to do list rarely incites me to slow down on the idea generation. No, usually I just keep a running tab of all my desires with the (erroneous?) notion that everything will eventually get done. And don’t get me wrong, the list is still there, but I haven’t given it a thought in many a day. I realized that it’s been so long since I considered it that it’s almost as if I have a blank slate right now.

And having a blank slate has been a dream of mine for years. I have this notion of what the good life is like for me and one of the salient characteristics is a regular and frequent blank slate. When I say blank slate, I mean things like, no dirty dishes, no emails to respond to, no projects waiting for completion, no laundry to do. Moments when there is nothing to do. Space to consider what to do next. Perhaps indicative of my own personal version of insanity, I still hold that notion as a possible reality. But in the meantime, today, for a sweet moment, I realized that my mind is a blank slate thanks to many days of exhaustion. And perhaps that is the key, that despite the actual material of my to do’s, my mental perspective is all that really matters.