As far as I know…

It didn’t rain in Oakland the day after my revelation. But it did rain in Orinda. A friend who is good with fact finding tells me that the chance of a precipitation occurrence in Oakland on July 17 is 1.3 percent. So these are rare days. And that’s my current explanation for making it four days in a row to sit and write a bit. I’m now well on my way with writing every day. In these early days of setting up my writing space I’ve gotten off track with this post as I lay all the pieces of the original foundation in place. It’s as if a dam has opened. There is so much in my head ready to tumble out through my fingertips onto the computer screen that I’m having trouble keeping up. To stick with the water analogies, my mind has been flooded for quite a while with all these thoughts and ideas. Now that the dam is opened it’s a matter of forming various river beds over which my thoughts will be able to freely flow. This is a very comforting notion to me. To think that I may have found a way to free myself of the work of containing all these thoughts and ideas. To think that there may be a way to walk lighter on my feet not constantly bogged down with what’s going on in my head. And what’s more, to think that all that goes on in there might actually flow toward some sort of productive end? Wow. I’m quite happy. Lighter on my feet already, actually. Tuesday was oppressive with the very familiar sentiment of desire meeting up with the constraints of reality. In spite of that self-imposed heavy weight bearing down upon me I set a course by starting this blog. As I’ve continued on that set course, I’m progressively feeling better. In this small window of time, life is opening up to me. It’s as if I’ve finally figured out how to be more of myself. And that’s the real stuff that I’m always trying to get to.

Having these rivers of thought is powerful for me. With their creation and readiness to receive what I churn out I have found what I always speculated I would find: a tremendous sense of relief. To have the thought is one thing, to process it is another. It’s the processing that usually gets me into trouble. I get caught up in my mind’s twists and turns if I keep the thought in my head. And my mind is a dangerous place to stay for too long. Believe me. But to take the thought, process it enough to put it into writing, and then further process it with the goal being to arrive at some positive conclusion? (By positive, I mean some sort of idea that does me or somebody else some service). Well, that’s fabulous! Marvelous! More than my little mind could conjure up, to be sure. Which begs the question, why did I wait so long to do this? I’ve contemplated just this course of action for many years and yet only now did I go through with it. Timing is everything.

Having a kid has given me many opportunities to be more of myself. It has tuned me into my gut instincts in a very empowering way. These changes happen on all levels but in my case the outward expression of them has been most apparent in how I approach my work as a Pilates instructor. It is increasingly easy for me to look at what challenges me about my work and find a way to eliminate those challenges while enhancing the aspects of my work from which I derive satisfaction and inspiration. This week’s new beginning is another iteration of this shift into life-reality rather than mental-misery.

Having and ipad and a lot of time sitting on the couch while nursing was the perfect combination to get me hooked on blogs. So many blogs! My favorites are Soulemama, the purl bee, and smitten kitchen. Thanks to the gals behind those blogs I’ve done a lot of cooking in the kitchen and a lot of crafting in every other room in our little apartment. My husband was starting to get frustrated with the number of projects that I started (and eventually finished or will finish eventually) and begged me to stop reading the blogs. Shortly afterwards, it dawned on me that I could also read books while nursing. That proved to be a very useful realization because even I was growing concerned that perhaps I had some sort of addiction to acquiring craft projects. Now I’ve got a list of craft projects to complete and I slowly make my way through that list as I slowly make my way through everything else that fills my days. That feels pretty normal, so that’s good.

So it would seem that I’m one my way with a course set toward sanity. Regular expressions of my -very human- creative nature are scheduled daily. And as far as I know that’s the way to get through the day with some measure of joy. For the moment at least, I am operating on the assumption that my ambitious goals might find a resting place amongst the nitty gritty of creating. It seems reasonable at least, that taking care to fulfill my personal desires in a thoughtful way might very well present a portal out into the great world beyond my mind.

Many have made the point that I’m trying to act on with this plan but I came across what I interpreted to be a variation on the theme so that’s the one to share today:

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”


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