Author Archives: elizatwist

My Pilates Lessons:

Be gentle. Be kind. Be forgiving. Stay humble. In every moment. Toward each and every thing, living and not. For every thought, every action, every word is reflected back into yourself.

This is what I’ve learned in the past few days, in three different ways. First, in the most personal way, for my own body and the thoughts that I keep secret (mostly even from myself). Secondly, in my work with a dear client. And thirdly, from my current birds eye view of the broader Pilates community in which I used to be much more participatory.

I am blessed with getting to know Rupam Henry. She brings a powerful blend of knowledge and spiritual intuition to her work with plants and our bodies. She shared a mantra with me in relation to supporting my breasts which has had a powerful impact in just three days of practice. Mostly because I realized how unkind, harsh, and unforgiving I’ve been with my body. Directing words of apology, love, and gratitude toward my body has given me the opportunity to face all that internalized negativity and replace it with loving support. I have read similar recommendations in the past (mostly in Louise Hay’s writings), but hearing the words in person really brought the message home to me and I was in a receptive place to try it out. So often I’ve found this to be the case, that I come across plenty of information that sounds compelling and yet I do not take the step to implement it in my own life. Until I have an experience. Today I’m feeling particularly grateful for such experiences, they really have made the difference in my life time and again.

Last week, something came up for a dear client of mine. I’ve been noticing a way in which she engages her muscles which indicates to me inhibition and tension rather than coordination and optimal function. So for quite a while I’ve been attempting to help her change that pattern. But my attempts were in vain. But last week I said something that sounded an alarm for her because I pointed out that perhaps there was an emotional component to what was happening physically, and so she dug into what was happening with two other practitioners who also offer her support. I had the opportunity to hear from one of those practitioners and while there was a lot of information shared, what I came away with was be gentle and be kind. An excellent reminder. Our bodies are so sensitive, they contain so much. And we are blind to most of it. It really is best to approach our bodies with gentleness and kindness. As a teacher I am always trying to facilitate this. But sometimes my message gets lost in translation. Yesterday when my client and I reviewed what had happened over the week, I began to see that I had been unwittingly leading her toward a very different experience than the one I intended for her to have. Clearly, I hadn’t realized this. And neither had she until I made the observation about the possibility of an emotional component to what was happening. I spent some time feeling badly for having contributed to her frustrating experiences by continuing down a path that wasn’t working for her. But then I remembered to be kind, gentle, and forgiving to myself. And furthermore, I realized that even though some frustrations were faced head on, a resolution was the final destination. The two other practitioners helped tremendously, my client found some more information online that helped her to do what I’d been trying in vain to get her to do. All was well. I have some new information to learn since my client passed on the resources that had been so helpful to her, and I have yet more gratitude for the support of those two practitioners, since in helping my client they also helped me.

The interpersonal dynamics within the Pilates community seem to be in a state of dramatic expression right now. While all I know of this is what I read in perhaps a string of 10 comments at a time on an online forum (I believe that the thread I was reading had several hundred – ugh), it is upsetting nonetheless. I am reminded of past arguments which have reached the status of legend, and of the few to which I’ve had more immediate exposure. Perhaps, it makes sense to point out that everybody exposed to these heated and dramatic interactions is affected. I have often wished that the people who participated would have considered this simple truth. Because whatever upset they felt compelled to express harshly has left it mark. And I wonder what the ultimate gain in the original expression was. Was it simply to vent some emotion? If so, I’d like to suggest that perhaps that’s better done in a more contained arena. Was it meant to make an important philosophical point? If so, I’d recommend more editing and consultation in the ways political discourse, as there are savvy ways to convey seemingly indigestible pieces of truth. But I digress, as it is so easy to do when sensitivities have been inflamed. My main point is this: be gentle, be kind, be forgiving, stay humble. From that place I think that we will all find a way of doing the work that clearly means so much to us. And from building real bonds of collegiality which will only strengthen our resolve to do the work that we love. I think also, that if we bear those four tips in mind we’ll also come to an even more important and life-altering realization: that the only one hurting us is us. I believe that it was Byron Katie who really gave me the framework for understanding this essential truth to the workings of our minds: that our thoughts, rather than the circumstances of the external world, are what do us in.

It’s been up on the shelf above my computer for a couple years at least, because it’s a notion that merits frequent consideration given how easy I make it for my mind to run a muck: If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but your own estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment. – Marcus Aurelius

I wish each person who reads this blessings for a beautiful day and a beautiful life.

My Pilates Body Has Been Boosted!

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INITIAL STATS Weight: 153 Waist: 33″ Hips: 41″ Thighs: 23 1/2″
FINAL STATS Weight: 154 lb Waist: 33″ Hips: 40″ Thighs: 22.5″

The truth is that I’m going to stick with my current workout plan for a few more weeks since my boost suffered some droops toward the end. But I figured that I’d conclude the official project on the original schedule.

This project turned out to be really great for me. While I’m still sorting out what my ideal body is, I feel that my sense of it is significantly clearer thanks to the boost that I’ve given myself. I have managed to re-ignite my Pilates practice with zest and pleasure. I’ve made tremendous progress with my tailbone injury and the ailments related to it. While I still weigh the same and my measurements aren’t really that different, I look better. Thanks to the Pilates and to my healing process, my posture is dramatically improved (although when I’m under stress I revert to unflattering habitual holding patterns).

It may be magical thinking, but I have the sense that as my body is adjusting to this newly energized state, rather than an ending, I’m just beginning with respect to arriving at my personal ideal. When I started this project, I was very much in the doldrums and now at its conclusion, it seems that in all areas of my life the current is moving in a positive direction. I see this as a holistic transformation in which the entirety of me is on the rise. A disjointed analysis would give Pilates more than it’s fair credit for this change and yet, it certainly has played a key role, physically, emotionally, and symbolically.

Along the same lines of thinking, a client of mine was talking about how one of her health practitioners told her that her nasal congestion would likely remain until she stopped nursing. This reminded me of something that my acupuncturist told me about nursing, how it is associated with dampness in the body, and how it is difficult to “dry up”. I have the sense that I’ve primed my body to dry out by igniting my internal energy (think of how a clothes dryer works, heat helps to lesson dampness). Time will tell if my intuition about this physical reality of mine is correct.

Here are three beginning and ending pics that best demonstrate the improvements in my form.

Gosh, I do love Pilates and I feel so grateful to have a practice to enjoy for a lifetime!

Since October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month…

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I’d like to share some things that I’ve done over the years to keep my breasts healthy. It was my acupuncturist who first suggested breast massage to me. He gave me links to two online sources which proved very helpful. Here’s the first one. And here’s the second one. Back then regular massage alleviated the soreness that I experienced in conjunction with my menstrual cycle.

When I became pregnant I experienced what felt like extreme breast soreness. I was not in any way inclined to touch my breasts during that time. But when I did manage to grin and bear the initial discomfort of contact, the massage proved helpful once again. Unfortunately for me, I was so exhausted and nauseated that I didn’t have the fortitude to do the massage regularly enough to experience complete relief. But somehow I was glad to know that the possibility existed.

Once our bundle of joy joined us and I recovered from the early pain of breastfeeding (curse-worthy for at least a couple weeks), I was still indisposed to massage my breasts regularly. Eventually, I found Lady Nada’s Breast Oil and boy was I happy! A quick nightly application yielded the same results as breast massage in far less time.

Someday when I’m not caring for a little one, I’ll go back to regular breast massages and I’ll use Rupam’s oil for a double benefit. I’ll leave the cancer prevention portion of this topic to the experts (links above), but I do feel compelled to note what I consider to be the most significant benefits of breast massage (aside from the possibility of avoiding death). Regular massage and application of Lady Nada’s Breast Oil both improve the shape and feel of my breasts by supporting the tissues of which they are composed. Additionally, another of my acupuncturists recently explained to me that our liver channel runs through our breasts. Since the liver influences our hormonal levels, regular breast massage also has a balancing effect on our hormones. For anybody who has ever felt the effects of hormonal imbalance, I’m pretty confident that the simple act of regularly massaging one’s breasts would be a fair trade for avoiding such unpleasantness.

So here’s to healthy breasts and celebrating the simple things we can do to keep them healthy for a life time!

The Breath That Binds Us

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I’ve been meaning to write a reflection of my gratitude upon meeting Bonnie Bainbridge Cohen last month, but only now am I completing the task. She generously offered a workshop in support of an inspiring community project a little north of where I live in El Cerrito. I should have known that a luminary such as Bonnie would be associated with The Fountain Project but it wasn’t until I arrived at the Wen Wu School that it dawned on me that after thirteen years I was once again in the arena of Chinese martial arts and movement training. The most enduring reason for my moving to California upon graduating from College was to study with a woman who I found entirely inspiring. I loved my nearly two years of t’ai chi chuan study with her. It was my version of church. But my professional aspirations led me in other directions and I’ve always promised myself that I’d return to the movement study of the I ching. (I’ve reasoned that it’s the sort of physical practice that lends itself to the aging body and so it seems okay to let that study rest for now while I occupy myself with back-bends and headstands.) For all that and more, I was immediately contented to have arrived at the threshold of Body Mind Centering.

In what I hope to be the first of many workshops that I took with Bonnie, she gave us the story of our breath which stayed with me and deepened with time. Bonnie strikes me as someone who has an extensive knowledge of the scientific understanding of our bodies. She applies that knowledge to her experience. She has a gentleness with which she seems to approach all endeavors. She manages to humanize science for the very practical purpose of enhancing our physical experience. Her work ends up being a beautiful and perfect blend of knowledge and experience, body and mind. Working with her solidified an idea for me: where body and mind line up, spirit is present.

What Bonnie said about the breath had to do with how it enters our body and is dispersed throughout our cells, and then how it exits our body. She was making a point, if I remember correctly, about the flow that defines life. How trees produce oxygen which flows in to our bodies, how we distribute it and make use of it internally, and how carbon dioxide flows out of our bodies to serve the trees. The cycle is completed, not derailed, by us. We are part of the cycle. She made the point that while we think of the trees as providing something useful to us, we don’t think of us as providing something useful to the trees. This seemed important to me because our minds, and our social nature tend to hold us separate from the natural world. Given our inextricable participation in the natural world, this illusion of separateness is problematic.

But it was during a bought of insomnia that it occurred to me that this important connection is in every breath that we take. It just proves how fundamental our connection to our world is, so much that we take it for granted. Every breath that we take, links us to our very natural place in this very natural world. It is nothing more than our minds that hold us separate from this reality.

While I often entertain ideas of spending more time in nature, following the pastoral dream, or any number of earthy fantasies, I have always led an urban existence. And while we may someday retreat to a more rural setting, I must confess that I really am a city mouse at heart. That’s why my nocturnal revelation was so important to me. Like Bonnie’s class it wiped away so much of my self-criticism. Where ever I am, I am part of nature, I cannot change that. I can ignore it, or deny it, but those are purely mental exercises. The reality remains the same, I am part of the natural world, within and without. Even if I live in a concrete jungle.

We spent the majority of our three hours together exploring our lungs. This was an initiation into my nocturnal revelation that followed a week or so later, because just sensing my lungs in action was tremendously healing for me. Completely unintentionally and in spite of so much effort to the contrary, I’ve managed to implant a lot of negative ideas about my body in my habitual thought patterns. It probably has to do with the persistent pain and discomfort that I’ve experienced for nearly twenty three years. Or maybe it has to do with being a Pilates instructor. As much as I love Pilates, and as much as I endeavor to act from a place apart from right and wrong; Pilates has a definite form. And that form is the key to unlocking so much of what the system has to offer. Or maybe it just has to do with being human. We can be a rather negative lot. Somehow, feeling my body move just as it does felt so good and reassuring to me.

This new sense of awareness of my lungs and my heart has opened up a new avenue of exploration. In the coming months I’m eager to look into the deeper layers of my body. I have the idea that Pilates provides an excellent platform for such investigations and I’m looking forward to seeing how my Pilates practice permeates through all the layers of my body. For now though, I’m so grateful to have met Bonnie and to have experienced a little bit of her work. It was at once a salve and an initiation.

Creative Retreat

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Retreat seems to be the best word to describe my past week. Retreat in many senses of the word. We are back in Oakland after a rather challenging weekend away from our usual life. I attended the blessingway of a dear friend and enjoyed being part of a circle of women immensely. While we were away I started making a mobile for the future enjoyment of her unborn child. Silly me, I thought that I’d be able to complete it over the weekend. (To my credit, I ended up stitching for a few hours less than I’d planned when I came up with that notion.) Here are the starting materials, I’ll share a photo here when it’s all finished.

And since it seems best to focus on happy thoughts when recovering from a strenuous time I’m sharing the little sweater that my mom kindly knit for the little babe. It is just so cute! (And even cuter once I remembered that it was my duty to add the buttons.) Babies and their cuteness make so many things better!

My friend has moved up to the country where so much of what I love about life in the Oakland area is non-existent. It’s strange to me to think of how much a place has to do with one’s experience. I’m always so relieved to come home to Oakland, which says a lot about why I chose it for my home. And why I should count my blessings for being able to live out many of my desires, while I continue to plant seeds for the fruition of others. These days, with so much at my fingertips with the internet, it’s difficult to remember the days of my youth when so many of my aspirations (that are now my reality) existed completely in my own head. While there is indeed a new level of accessibility at our fingertips we are still in many ways bound by the realities of time and space and our places in it all. Perhaps it is those boundaries that have flared my frustrations over the past few days. I am what I am, other people are what they are and there is no amount of imagining that can change those realities.

One thing that I’m bringing back from that relatively near and yet so foreign place is a new taste for cheese. My friend offered me some of the most delicious cheese, I think that I’m going to have to pay my local cheese shop a visit and beg them to offer it, if they don’t already. If you ever see this package, by all means buy it and enjoy some with me in mind!

Today I will nurse my wounds, and reclaim myself. Today I will focus on the terrain of my imagination and that of others, in the quiet of my own mind. I just finished book five of The Narnia Chronicles (yes, I’m following the original publication order in this my first run through the entire series. I am so satisfied to be finally reading each and every word, it’s been decades in coming to this.) There is something so comforting in the process of creating, be it in the doing, the witnessing, or the enjoyment of the finished work. More and more I’ve come to see just how important creating is to us humans. It is an expression of our fundamental nature. Whether it is with stitches, words, movements, strokes, or any of the myriad of creative means that we humans employ, creating is such a universal salve for the weary.

As I wish for myself, I wish for each reader of this post: a creative retreat. When ever, where ever it is needed.

Adele (finally) Visits Castle in the Air

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When I first met Adele I was so eager to show her around town and let her in on what I consider the most fundamental elements of human society. Sadly, I have precious little time for such escapades these days. It is a great credit to Adele that she’s been so patient with me. (For all I know, I’m moving at a squirrel’s pace.) One of the first places that I wanted to show Adele is one of my very favorite places, Castle in the Air. Well, we finally did it! Although it was a quick visit and now that I’ve finally organized the photos and given some thought to what I’m going to share I’ve realized that I only know enough to tell my own story of our local creative sanctuary. I don’t want to spread mis-information about a place that is so dear to my heart so curious readers may be left with many unanswered questions at the end of this post. I implore each and every person to visit Berkeley’s little slice of magic for themselves. I have no doubt that every person who is aesthetically inclined will find a little something of inspiration there.

I don’t know what first brought me to Castle in the Air, but I do know that I was caught up in the hustle and bustle of establishing my professional life and that I had little space for new creative projects. I have always sewn and that was most certainly my main creative outlet at the time. Given my stifled imagination, I was rather overwhelmed the first time I entered the shoppe. But I was also completely romanced. I used to visit and make tiny purchases just to soak in all the beauty. It is literally tucked in every corner and atop every surface as this lovely phoenix demonstrates (I had to climb up on a ladder to take his photo.)

Eventually as my creativity was begging for more expression I indulged in a class or two. I learned how to make a lovely evergreen tree out of wire and beads. From that technique I eventually made one out of white pipe cleaners. And then I came up with the idea to make this one for a Christmas countdown activity (the ornaments are from my husband’s childhood and given that this year may be the first year that our boy relishes counting the days till Santa’s visit, the overall countdown scheme isn’t yet firmly established. But at least now I’ve got the tree).

The next class that I took was the crepe paper flowers class with Anandamayi Arnold (who has regular offerings at Tail of the Yak) and Aimee Baldwin. Sheesh, those two can do amazing things with paper! Although, the paper itself does deserve some credit. It’s absolutely lovely. Karima, the store’s owner and visionary, travels to Europe every year to make her purchases of so much of what appears in the shoppe. The crepe paper is made in a small European factory which still exists because of Karima’s patronage. The colors are so alluring, time and again I have found myself tempted to purchase crepe paper with the same risk of impulse that I’d formerly reserved for fabric alone. I had a lovely pile of paper in home and not a clue what to do with it. So I took a class. Over the years I’ve made some lovely flowers, many of which have been gifts. Daniel, the friendly shopkeeper and ridiculously talented wielder of scissors who I’ve been seeing for many a year, got into a routine of making garlands a few years back. One day he gave me his formula and I was off and running. John, who I first came to know by his whimsical gnomes and who I eventually had the pleasure of learning from – but now I’m getting ahead of myself, at a certain point made some large scale flowers using thick floral wire for the framing. I was inspired to do the same for my son’s nursery. Every time my boy lies down to get his diaper changed, he sees this. (Some of them materials were purchase at Tail of the Yak, another Berkeley treasure).

Some of the crepe paper beauties on display during our visit:

Pictured above: gorgeous surprise balls in fruit forms.

The red roses from my first class made a perfect frame for this little inspirational picture that somebody gifted me.

Castle in the Air now hosts another talent with crepe paper, Lynn Dolan. I have yet to meet her but I must say that it was such a pleasure to see another interpretation of the material. Which brings me to what is perhaps the most important aspect of Castle in the Air, the community that it hosts. If you are not completely distracted by the feast for your eyes, or lured in by the gorgeous tree with illuminated flowers, crepe clematis, and all varieties of flora and fauna as a gentleman was while Adele and I were present, upon entering the store look up and you will see what Castle in the Air is really about: A Studio for the Imagination. Once I began taking classes at Castle in the Air I began to see the true substance of the store, that lies beneath its bevy of beauties: a nurturing home for many artists. I believe that one of Karima’s primary reasons for creating the shoppe was to carve out a personal space for her own craft of preference, illustration. But as all good ideas come to full bloom, so did hers. She is decidedly understated in her approach to business and community building while being quite sure of her desires and so what has materialized is heavy on the substance: regular class offerings, remarkably high quality materials for most any creative endeavor, a close-knit community of creative people, and Dromedary press.

John McRae is one of Castle in the Air’s long standing talents. When I first found the shoppe I came to know him through his beautiful pieces of whimsy which were for sale. But I eventually had the benefit of taking a class with him in which we each made a little animal figurine using wire and cotton along with paints and specialty papers (dresden, crepe, and German pictures). It was right around the time that I was getting to know my husband and since he’d told me that he was a mountain goat, it seemed like a good idea to make one myself. Here’s the little guy who was inspired by my guy. He’s fun to have around.

It must have been a year or more before taking that class that I visited Castle in the Air when I was applying some fung shui ideas to decorating my room. Mostly I was focused on my relationship corner. My favorite shoppe had the perfect thing, some pretty little birds and a snug little nest. Now that I’m now happily married, those nesting birds grace our living room and I painted them for our wedding thank you cards.

I don’t remember what brought me to ask, but one day Daniel graciously demonstrated how to make a paper doll chain. I’ll never forget how quickly he whipped out a pair of imposing scissors, and fashioned a cute little chain of dollies. He agreed to demonstrate the process for Adele for a little walk down memory lane. The thing about Castle in the Air is that it truly is a studio for the imagination and so it’s constantly changing. Daniel only remembered the initial instance once we’d gone through our replay, and to be honest, I still have no idea why I asked him about paper dolls in the first place.

But it was a fun reminder of how this little space is so much more than a pen shop and ink shop, though it does boast one of the widest selections in our metropolitan area.

Adele was happy to make a new friend of her own ilk. Imagine spending your days in this gorgeous playground of a place, I wouldn’t be surprised if Adele felt twinges of jealousy.

I headed upstairs to check out the fairly new gallery space and the classroom. When I first began coming to the shoppe the wall along the stairs was lined with cuckoo clocks. It was a lovely sight. These days the cuckoos have mostly been replaced by a collection of marionettes and theater frames.

There was a painting class in session and they kindly let Adele and I have a peek.

Adele is sitting upon the current class schedule which is always printed in the style of an old time newspaper.

Which reminds me (how could I have nearly forgotten ?!) of the two painting classes that I took with Karima many moons ago. Two years in a row, two days of painting and chatting. Two slices of heaven. I am enough of a novice that I am not particularly critical of my work so they grace our walls and I have the blessing of being frequently reminded of my watercolor dabblings.

Here are some class samples. Had I the resources, I’d follow their siren call and be perched at the table happily crafting quite regularly.

And finally, John showed us around the giant mouse house that he and Ulla Milbrath created over several months. Ulla was another of my first teachers at Castle in the Air, but sadly all evidence of the class that I took with her is gone because we made greeting cards. I absolutely loved the class and were I the sort of social lady who is expected to send regular correspondence, I would certainly have kept up the craft of making original cards using collage and pieces of ephemera. But I’m not that sort of person. (I suspect that my favorite part of that life would be making the cards anyway.)

At one point, folks could make their own little house. I think that Adele would overjoyed if I made one for her. Maybe someday Adele…

For now we’ll have to be content with the fantasy, our own castle in the air. Two final pics of our visit follow.

The Shoppe from a squirrel’s eye view:

And dueling scissors just for fun! (Apparently the best stapler is purchased at Castle in the Air, I’ve yet to take the plunge myself….)

And now, enough fantasy. Reality firmly beckons me. Till next time, keep a little pocket of thy mind free for dreams.

My Pilates Droop

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Last week was overwhelmingly busy time for this body sleuth! Here are the highlights that are relevant to My Pilates Body Boost.

On Wednesday…I must have discussed my somewhat frequent bouts with spasms of my trapezius muscle. Well, along with continuing to address my tailbone area, my upper left back has been clamoring for attention lately at my chiropractic and body work sessions. My chiropractor mentioned my trapezius a while back but it was my body worker who mentioned Eric Franklin’s (by way of Bonnie Bainbridge Cohen, who totally rocked my world last weekend – I’ve got a post on that coming) description of the muscle currents that got me enjoying my trapezius in a refreshing new way. I’ve had the book for years, but I’m giving it a bit more attention now. Basically I’ve been envisioning my lower trapezius like the base of a podium, my middle trapezius like the tray, and my upper trapezius like some lovely sculpture resting upon the tray. It’s doing wonders for my posture, achy muscles, and integration of what I learned from Bonnie.

On Thursday…During my workout on the wunda chair, I fell off! I was doing the teaser while worrying about how exactly I’d navigate sustaining my career while having a second child (I should have learned from my first pregnancy that there is no point in trying to plan certain life circumstances around having a baby, we figure it out a long the way and we are nearly a year away from feeling ready for an addition to our family anyway). Clearly I was not focused on my Pilates, darn it all. But I was pretty relaxed. I watched calmly as my hands missed the pedal and as my reflection in the mirror went out of view and I fell back in what felt like slow motion. Little by little it seemed, I made it to the floor. I skinned my spine on the pedal. As my heart was beating, I decided that it was best to lay and recover while focussing on the place where I touched down. I reckon that I’ll have a pretty good bruise and I wonder how long it will take for the skin to repair since I think of bony spots as receiving less in the way of restorative blood circulation. After a couple minutes I surprised myself by finishing my workout. It would seem that I have successfully established a Pilates habit and for that I’m pleased. And as far as falling, well I suppose that the more years under my belt the greater my chance of falling would be. I’m hoping that just once is enough to teach me the important lesson of being mindful while exercising.

On Friday…A case of mastitis took me down. Mastitis is a curious thing to me. Despite my growing awareness and treatment arsenal, I was caught off guard yet again. In this case, I felt a tremendous soreness in my breast, but no hard areas and so I figured that something else was going on. But by the end of the day it was clear what was happening. My Chinese herbs, soy lecithin, steamed cabbage leaf compress, warm washcloth compresses before vigorous pumping sessions, and nine hours of rest, all contributed to a fairly swift recovery. Which is to say that I managed to keep my studio appointments over the weekend but still needed to take extra care. Husband and boy also needed an extra mellow weekend of recovery so much of the usual was scrapped and we just made do.

On Monday…I finished up an ongoing project for my studio which is a tremendous relief. Only today can I get back to whatever semblance of routine I manage to maintain. So this post is finally going up. I’ll get a workout, and generally feel like myself again. What a relief!

What with all these happenings, and with my reading of Quiet (finally) I’ve been having some interesting reflections. I tend to think that our response to challenges say a lot about us. But in order to respond, we have to know what is actually happening. It’s probably somewhat obvious to frequent readers that I am a sensitive sort of human, prone to really thinking things through. I’m realizing that in order to support my temperament I require a certain amount of quiet reflective time. When I don’t have that time it’s all to easy for me to miss internal signals because I’m in a state of overwhelm. This past week was full of such instances and the ensuing consequences. So it would seem that I can only take so much boost before I run the risk of being a droop. It’s partly why Pilates is so good for me because it is a moderate and meditative system of exercise. But it’s also why I have to be careful to keep my ambitions in check. The danger of my very active mind is that I suffer from over-inspiration. Good to remember and another reminder of why it is so very helpful for me to have this space. Not every idea requires action. Some are best put into words on the screen to take shape in other sorts of ways.

Flip that Judgement

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In the past couple years as I’ve been dedicating a fair amount of attention to nurturing a sense of peace and tranquility I’ve arrived at a particular idea repeatedly. It comes up when I am upset by another person’s actions or words. Rather than focus on my own upset, I’ve learned to look beyond to the other person. In doing that I almost always arrive at the conclusion that the person in question is facing a challenge even greater than my own. I reason that the challenge is what drives the person to express him/herself in the way that I found upsetting. It’s a judgement flip because in that moment of revelation I see that it is weakness rather than strength that is the genesis for what feels to me like strong or overpowering behavior. I realize that I am by no way the first person to point this sort of thing out. But it bears repeating since we are all living here together and often we run into each other at exactly the wrong moment.

Last night while I was putting away a mountain of laundry (I’m finally caught up from our vacation – with the laundry at least), I listened to a talk by Malcolm Gladwell that inspired a similar flip in judgement:

Epictetus’ aphorism comes to mind: “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” Here’s to going through our days with attentiveness to what surrounds us.

Digging Deeper with Pilates

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WEEKLY STATS Weight: 153.5 Waist: 33.5″ Hips: 40.75″ Thighs: 22.25″

Week Twelve officially ended yesterday. While I have kept up with my Pilates Body Boost, it doesn’t exactly feel like it because it’s been so long since we took our regular round of photos and since I recorded my workouts on my tabulation sheet. It’s funny what I feel is missing because of those tasks. While the actions of the project are still in practice, I don’t feel the same sense of engagement. Or maybe it’s because the results of my efforts are not what I expected. Basically, I’m still the same size, even a little bigger right now thanks to the upheaval of travel. Although each and every benefit of my project has been noted and celebrated, I was really hoping to fit in the majority of my pants again. And so far, that isn’t happening. So I’m having to face some music which is bringing up a fair amount of personal reflection.

When I am feeling most despondent, I think some pretty self-defeating thoughts. Here are some of them, with the internal dialogue that brings me back to sensibility.

“what does it say about me that I cannot control my weight and my physical form given my career choice?” Perhaps that I’m a normal version of the middle class, small business owner – mom? Perhaps that I’m not excessively-controlling when it comes to what I eat? Perhaps that my weight is not my top priority? Perhaps that my physical form is an ever-changing expression of the multi-faceted me? Perhaps that I’ve got my priorities focused on the substance, rather than the form, of my life? But all that still isn’t enough to soothe my bruised ego. After two years of wearing clothing that was more than less supposed to be a stopgap, I’m ready for a little boost in the form of some more flattering outfits. Perspective is important: this is largely a superficial problem. My frustrations have initiated enough serious inquiry which consistently brings me to a good conclusion: I like my life. I like what I’m doing. (I certainly suffer from impatience when outcomes do not materialize as soon as I’d like – but that is a different topic). So if all the important stuff is in place, then perhaps I need to dedicate a wee bit more attention to style. It is amazing what strategic apparel choices do for my sense of attractiveness and yet I tend to opt for frump. So I’ve got a plan. I whipped up a shirt on Thursday that I’ve decided will be my new go-to. It’s flattering, comfortable, easy for nursing, and comes together in an hour or less. I copied Anthony Lilore‘s flawless design off the one actual top that I snagged before he and Celeste stopped offering them. Now I just have to make about ten…that should do it. Maybe some with sleeves. Maybe a tunic or two as well.

The thing is that I’m still dressing like somebody with a perfectly flat stomach. And that’s just silly because I do not (and never really did) have a flat stomach. Outside of the context of my profession and the clothing that I wear mostly as a result of it, I’m content with my physical shape. It’s largely the clothing that’s the problem. I know that I’m not the only one who is done with hip huggers and tight tees! And while on the one hand, I do take clothing as a legitimate and worthwhile measure of my weight and whatever that may say about my health, I am comfortably in the range of healthy. And given the appropriate clothing, or none at all, I’m not an unattractive weight either. So much of my current frustration is based on two outlying years in my late twenties when I was really skinny. Why was I so skinny then? I thought that it was the Pilates but I guess that I’ll never know. But those years were a departure from my norm and much to my frustration, I’ve been thinking of them as my personal standard. Had I a different personality, a different value set, a different way of living my life, I could probably figure out how to get back to that shape. Bu the whole point of this project was to arrive at my personal ideal, within the context of my life. So I’m doing some adjusting to the stuff that is adjustable because it seems that my body is staying put right where it is. Ultra high rise pants, here I come!

There is another part of my profession that has influenced by self-perception as it comes to weight and that is the relationships that my clients have to their bodies. Given that I’m a fitness instructor, I’ve worked with a fair number of folks who are hyper vigilant about controlling their weight. These folks seem to rely heavily on the calories-in-calories-out philosophy, which doesn’t work for me (literally and philosophically). While I do see portion control as a reasonable strategy, I’m unwilling to reduce what I eat to the point of deprivation just so my pants fit. And while I can certainly understand that it makes sense to eat at a level corresponding to our physical output, I know that other factors cause us to carry extra pounds around (in my case, hormonal shifts have been the main cause, but I’ve known plenty of people whose drug therapies dramatically and irreversibly altered their body chemistry resulting in significant weight gain). I’ve also worked with a fair number of people who have been frustrated by their lack of control over their weight. Somewhere in my mind I decided that I’d rather be the person who was in control rather than the person who one day woke up surprised at the extra twenty pounds they were lugging around. Giving in to the truth of my size and my disinclination to control it to the extent that would yield the results I’ve been hoping for feels like a submission that I may regret years down the line. But it also feels like the sensible thing to do. I have exhausted all options. I’m not interested in continuing to hit my head against bricks. Here’s what I will continue to do. I will continue to be careful about how much I eat. i will continue to strive to make healthier choices which translates to more vegetables, always more vegetables! I will keep track of my weight for the sake of keeping tabs on the pounds that creep on one year at a time. And most of all, I will maintain a vigorous Pilates practice because it supports me in all the right ways. I really like having a standard that I hold myself to. It’s so easy to forego a workout here and there, but having the framework of this project has helped me honor my commitment to my health amidst the busy days of our lives and I’ve seen the benefits over and over again.

“My stress levels must be so high that my body is not functioning properly.” This is a depressing notion, but probably fairly accurate. It has been a tough couple years for me. All the more reason to maintain my Pilates practice. I shudder to think where I’d be without that! Probably the best antidote to these thoughts is to get out of my own head either by moving my body, or by interacting with the world at large. In doing that I see that every person I know is facing their own challenges. Somehow this is normalizing. It’s rather shameful to admit, but knowing that I’m not alone in having challenges is a comfort. And it’s a large part of why I share what I do here. I figure that if I’m having these thoughts, others are too and they might be relieved to know that.

“My body is reflecting the unhealthy choice of nursing for two years and counting.” These kinds of thoughts are so dangerous because they do the real damage inside my head. When I put it in writing it seems pretty obvious that the idea itself is unverifiable. And yet so many of our choices around our bodies are made by the incomplete information that gives way to such notions. I do not tend to be a thorough researcher. I tend to be the sort of person who looks for bits of information that seem sensible and then I marinate on them, I draw secondary conclusions, I make connections. (Yes, I realize that in the process of absolving myself of any responsibility for erroneous information, I may have just undermined my credibility here. I believe that full disclosure is best.) My point is that the supporting information for this idea has come from a piece of advice that came from my gifted and rather eccentric acupuncturist. I did not ask her follow up questions when she told me that it is not correct, nor healthy to nurse a baby past six months. I should have. But my doubt in her assertion held my tongue. So, festering around in my head is the idea that I’m somehow doing something unhealthy by continuing to produce milk while my body is back onto the task of procreation. And I’ve been feeling bad about myself on some level because of it. My point in sharing this is to air out the cobwebs of one unproductive thought, and to illustrate that sometimes it is a good exercise to shine the light into all the nooks and crannies of our mental processes so that we can really address what is driving our self perceptions.

Before I was a mom I thought of childbearing as a sacrifice. Now I realize that it is so much more than that. It is a gift. And a major life change. I don’t think that it’s possible to become a mom and to remain the same. What changes is unique to each relationship, but the circumstances, the priorities, and the day to day reality all are subject to the change. Right now, I’m processing this reality with respect to my body, but in truth I’ve been engaged in some form of integration since I became pregnant. Life in general could be described as a gradual but constant process of transformation, but being a parent seems to amplify that experience for me. I wouldn’t trade it for anything, but it is so significant that it bears mention because so much of my life right now is about being a mom. Clearly my body reflects this reality. I could approach my figure with a controlling spirit, but if there’s one thing that relating to my son and husband has taught me it’s that control is a myth. Engagement, self-awareness, and authenticity, those approaches to being are supportive in building strong familial bonds. If I apply the same approach to my relationship to myself and my body, then I’m laying a solid foundation for those relationships outside myself as well.

Thanks for reading. I’m glad to be on this journey. I’m glad to have a space to share it and to keep me on track. Health and wellness are such personal realities. In sharing our personal stories we realize how much we have in common and supply ourselves with the fortitude to face our most difficult challenges.

“What is Most Personal is Most Universal”

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In reading this book at the lake, I was struck by one jazz great’s mention of Carl Roger’s eternal truths: “what is most personal is most universal.” The more I sat with the notion, the more it dawned on me that this idea is what drives me to write.

While I certainly see that what is closest to our hearts, we tend to have in common with others, I also see that with mental trickery, we tend to deny ourselves that which is most personal. Giving voice through writing seems like a sensible countermove to that tendency of ours. Why do we deny ourselves? Is it our over appreciation of extroversion? Is it our collective lack of intimacy? Is it just where we are in our collective evolution, that we need to feel the lack of relationship to self in order that we realize just how essential it is to living a fulfilled life? Or something else? Or a combination of it all? It doesn’t really matter, but my mind likes to come up with reasonable explanations for things. In that exercise I gain insights into our human ways because I choose to delve under the surface to sort through an idea and link it to something in the material world. The exercise itself is enough. The arrival at any sense of right or wrong is not the point. To share thoughts, to spark insights in others, that is the point.

Even more than my musings on my experience of living, I feel that my writing about my physical experiences answer the call to acknowledge the very personal because it is the most universal aspect of all: our bodies, ourselves. And yet such explorations are not particularly common. Our bodies are our medium of influence and yet we take them for granted. At least on a collective level. So much of how we share our bodies on the social level is unappealing to me. I’m interested in substance rather than form. And on the social level, it seems that form is all that matters. To give voice to the inner workings of our bodies intrigues me. It is how I have always shared Pilates.

Every person brings their unique human experience to bear with practicing or teaching Pilates. I chose to name this online space The Body Sleuth because I’ve come to realize that so much of how I approach Pilates has to do with body sleuthing. I’m always curious what is happening on an internal level and why. And as teacher I love to facilitate my client’s own internal explorations. I used to say that Pilates was more entertaining than television because I used to teach classes after work and I figured that if folks weren’t there with me, they’d likely be on the couch. “Don’t go home and passively meditate in front of a glowing screen, come and discover what is happening in your body, live and in person!” Seems like a good slogan to me.

What I share here is always meant to expand out in the world beyond my own personal mental happenings. In that way I don’t have control over it. In spite of my limited sphere of influence, I do have a vision. I imagine a world in which we are each more fully ourselves. And I imagine that our relationships to our bodies and ourselves are largely supported by physical practices such as Pilates. Toward that end I continue on with my part, sharing what I know about Pilates and the connections I see in living day to day.

It’s good to remind ourselves why we do what we do. Especially on hard days when we question our resolve. Thanks for reading.